Latter Days (An Addendum to "So Goodbye to All This")

Nearly every significant thing that's happened to me in my adult life has happened here in Connecticut.

It was here that I earned the degree of which I am most proud.
It was here that I began to really understand what it meant to be a Christian, and an academic.
It was here that I found my first true church home and allowed the church community and the spirit there to begin to undo some of the damage that had been done by previous communities.
It was here that I began to understand brokenness, and trauma, and healing, and grace.

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be / Lord knows we’ve learned the hard way all about healthy apathy / And I use these words pretty loosely / There’s so much more to life than words

It was here that I first fell in love, with an adoration that always embodies first love, and a naivete that overlooks the weaknesses that eventually destroy.
And it was here that I was reminded incessantly that this first love, deeply flawed, would never last.
It was here that I entered the work force (an unintended consequence of having two degrees in philosophy), by way of a Christian gay rights group.
And it was here that I continued to learn about brokenness, and heartache, and the neverending grace of God.
It was here that I learned that love is not about control, and it is not about power.
It was here that I experienced first-hand the thin line between sex and violence.
It was here that I learned some stories are not for telling, and some secrets are best buried deep.
It was here that I learned that just because you don't have bruises doesn't mean the person you love isn't hurting you.
It was here that I found myself unprepared for the unkindness of some very old friends, and the astonishing kindness of some very new friends.

There is a me you would not recognize, dear / Call it the shadow of myself / And if the music starts before I get there dance without me / You dance so gracefully / I really think I’ll be o.k. / They’ve taken their toll these latter days

It was here that I met two of the truest, most profoundly beautiful friends I will ever be blessed to know, both raw in their honesty and own healing processes, both boundary-less when it comes to love for friends and family.
And it was here that I lost friendships for reasons I still can't explain. We acted awfully immaturely for adults, and years later, none of it matters; tangible remnants of the friendship have long gone the way of city dumpsters, and we don't miss the others' presence.
It was here that I discovered how to take myself less seriously, and that there was a silly, delight-filled side of me eager to wear funny hats and collect demented children's books that are not for children at all.
It was here that I learned to make myself laugh, and to start revealing the B-side of the me that nearly everyone knows.
It was here that I realized I could make others laugh, and when that happened, I felt like I could do anything.

Nothin’ like sleepin’ on a bed of nails. Nothin’ much here but our broken dreams / Ah, but baby if all else fails, nothin’ is ever quite what it seems / And I’m dyin’ inside to leave you with more than just cliches

It was here that I broke down.
It was here that I put myself back together.
It was here that I learned to be embodied - to live in the body I was given, to nourish it, to enjoy it.
It was here that I said goodbye, and please don't leave, more times than I can count.
It was here that I whispered please go, and please stop, more than I wish I had.
It was here that I loved more fiercely than I have ever loved.
It was here that I learned that a broken heart can continue to break, over and over.
It was here that I first heard that all were welcome at the table. Even me. Especially me.
It was here that I nearly converted to a different faith.
It was here that I realized I couldn't just yet.
It was here that I gave up.
It was here that I chose to keep fighting.
It was here that I took wary steps of faith.
It was here that I said for better or worse.
It was here that I took off my wedding ring.
It was here that I closed the door.
It was here that I smiled, and decided to not look back.

But tell them it’s real / Tell them it’s really real / I just don’t have much left to say / They’ve taken their toll these latter days / They’ve taken their toll these latter days